You think you're a Man

Things feel so different. Part of the reason I have not posted at all lately is because life seems to be in this weird upheavel that will shatter some things and confirm others. It like life is doing exploratory surgery on me - figuring out what I need and dumping the wrest in the trash can right next to the table.

For the most part I have felt reclusive. Not that I do not want to see people, but that I am just as content sitting at home with a book or World of Warcraft as I am walking around doing things and being social. I think coming home to all the CRAZINESS just kind of made me hit a wall; tapped me out on being social. Or maybe it is just my general lack of interest in the internet at the moment. Without being on AIM and MSN all the time, and not posting on and checking livejournal every couple of hours, you begin to feel oddly detatched. Or maybe not detatched? Maybe it is more like stagnant...I keep in contact with my friends who I value, and see them fairly frequently. The empty feeling you get from abandoning the internet is the idea that you are loosing possibilities. Life feels lonely when you know there are not personal ads eagerly awaiting your fingertips. The knowledge that you have not updated your personal add in months, and therefore will most likely NOT be getting people IMing you when you sign onto AIM is kind of isolating. Yet, liberating. The internet should be a supliment to daily life, not what you wake up for and rely on to bring you any catalyst for change in your existence.

So the question is, where will I find this catalyst for change? Like I said, my life seems like it is purging itself without my control. I feel like a cheerleader who has one hand that does nothing but eats donuts, and another hand that just sticks its fingers down my throat. Life seems like that binge and purge process where things come and go without any real control from you.

I think what it boils down to is that I am glad for what I have. For the things in life that stay constant, or somehow through the changes have managed to keep up with me. Or change with me? My big goal for the next few months is to deal with being lonely, and to figure out what exactly it is I want. Or is it more how to get what it is I want? I need to pull myself together and let people know that I am in fact worth it. It is a matter of keeping it together and relying on the fact that other people will notice what I have to offer when it comes right down to it. I want butterflies.

Like I said, things just feel weird. My brain only knows how to think in WTF mode right now.